People Change You

Some people come into your life and change you so profoundly and so much for the better that I find it hard to articulate and those Orlando moms...WOW! How can I even express how they've changed me? I don't know, but I am going to try.

I have been thinking on this and the post I NEED to write. I want the ones who read here (and the ones who don't) to know how they've touched me and how much they mean to me. One of the mom's told me she had to let Orlando be her vacation, but then jump back into her life when she got home because she didn't want to. I get that.

I did not have to come home to a RAD child in my home. My step daughter is still living with my husband who is still living at his mom's. I did invite her to something the day after Orlando and her ...whew, I don't even know what to call it anymore - her attachment issues to women, her anger at herself and others, her view that the world is against her, etc)...whatever it is reared it's ugly head and I became awful yet again for a reason I may write another day. BUT, I got to send her home with her dad and I haven't talked to her but for a minute since. I didn't come home to RAD, but I did come home to lonely. My daughter Kayla is in college and spends most of the rest of her time with her friends, my husband doesn't plan his life in a way that I get to spend much of it with him either, and I'm missing those mom's so much! I was so afraid I wasn't going to fit in. I was afraid that some of the mom's would think I didn't belong. But, yeah, that so didn't happen.

My original intent for going to Orlando was to try to lift the mom's up, try to be a blessing to them and make them happy for a few minutes with my henna or doing pedicures. I think I did that, but what I didn't know is how much I was going to be blessed. When I got home, mostly all I've been able to say about Orlando is that it was the BEST WEEKEND of my LIFE! I had met a few of the mom's before we went, Rachel (some people know her as tudusamom, who I get to see next month too - WOOHOO!), Courtney  and Pat  (who is a long time very dear friend). From them I knew these women would be amazing. I did. I knew it in my heart. But. Oh my gosh, in real life, I am B.L.O.W.N. A.W.A.Y! Completely.

These women are warriors. They are amazing. They are kind. They are compassionate. They are beautiful. They are funny. They give everything of themselves, on days I can hardly imagine, and then get up the next day and do it again. They love their kids in a way most people will never have to even think of - even when that means they have to love them from somewhere else because that is what is best for their son or daughter. They love without ceasing, even in isolation when their family, friends and health care providers turn their back or don't understand. They love even when love is not enough. They love even when they can't like their children. They are the reason their kids have hope. They are the reason when they find healing. They are H.E.R.O.E.S! They are MY Heroes. They shared that love with me and I love them right back! I am blessed BEYOND MEASURE.

Ladies, if no one told you they loved you today - if you have been hated on, head-butted, screamed at, kicked, hit, threatened and the many other things some of you deal with every day, I want you to know, deep down where it counts, I LOVE YOU! You are all a part of my heart now and I'm not letting go. I can't wait to see you next year and I hope to see as many of you as I can before then!

photo credit

I wish I could name you all here, but some of you need anonymity, just know you changed me. I am NOT alone and while I'm still breathing none of you ever will be either. You really, really did change my life in profound ways and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Why am I going if I don't have a RAD?

This was my response (with a little editing) to one of the mom's who was genuinely curious and didn't make me feel like I didn't belong (which I have been afraid some of you would feel). I thought maybe someone else would be curious too, so here it is.

Back when Corey was first mentioning it on her blog I saw it. I was getting ready, or had maybe just gone I don’t remember which, to Rachel’s to do face painting and henna for her kid’s birthday party. I had been reading Rachel’s blog and really admired her and how much she loved her kids and how much grace she showed through all the challenges with them. I do have a step daughter who is bi-polar and ADHD – she also has some BIG mother issues – and I despaired of being able to live with her again. I asked my husband to go stay with his mom for a few weeks in Dec 2008 because I needed some distance from her. My kids had not prepared me for how she was at all and I had turned into someone I didn’t know. My doctor told me I was killing myself and I had to do something. I was ready to walk in front of a bus just so I didn’t have to go home to that anymore. She had “chased” both my kids out of my home because they couldn’t stand her. Reading Rachel’s blog and then all of you, helped me “see” her differently and LOVE Lyric and not her behavior. My husband is still living with his  mom since Dec 2008 and he comes to visit (his mom had health problems while he was there and he stayed to take care of her and her boyfriend who is also not very healthy), but I believe I’m in a place where I could live with Lyric now. There are lots of things that have happened over the two years but recently things have been happening where I can see that she might actually be able to be a productive member of society someday and I want them to come home. I don’t know if I would have reached my new way of seeing without you and all the other RAD mom’s. I told Rachel that part of what helped me is realizing things could be so much worse and if her kids could find so much healing with all they had been through there is hope for Lyric. Her mom is a piece of work and I don’t have time to go into it here, but many of Lyric’s issues stem from her. So, when I saw what Corey was doing I emailed her and asked if I could come over and do henna for you all. I just wanted to be part of lifting you up while you guys are there. In talking with her she said I could come stay too and I figured that I could henna more ladies that way. I’ve kind of felt like I didn’t belong but I’m really excited to be a part of it. Poor Jennie, our house mom, gets an email periodically with me asking if anybody has said anything about me not belonging. She reassures me. I really can’t wait to meet all of you. You and all the other mom’s amaze me!

45 more days till Orlando! WooHoo!

So I got this amazing opportunity to go to a retreat in Orlando with an amazing group of ladies. I've only met one of them IRL, but hey, I love making new friends! And I can't WAIT till I meet these women!! The weekend is a retreat (for some it sounds like it's going to be a saving grace) for mom's with kids who have RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I don't have a child with RAD, but I do have a skill I hope will make them happy. I'm going to do henna for them. I came across Corey's blog talking about it and I was already reading the blogs of a few of these amazing women, but my realm of awe has expanded.

If any of you read this, I really just can't wait to meet you. I think you are all amazing! I admire you and I stand in awe. I've learned so much from you about invisible disabilities, and I've cheered at your triumphs in healing and cried for you when your families, your schools, you friends, your care providers have been a roadblock instead of a step up. You all make me just say Wow! No matter what your circumstances have been - how much you love your families and how you have to work so hard to balance loving your RAD kids with your NT kids and deciding in some cases that disruption is how you need to love them to keep them and everyone else safe. I admire you all. I just can't say it enough. To keep loving while they're near and even when they are far and coming to the realization that sometimes just loving someone isn't enough is hard beyond imagining. I know there are so many facets to all of this and the things I've mentioned here don't cover all the things you have to go through every day in your normal. What I really want to say is that even on the days when you feel like giving up or a failure, I still am blown away by how amazing you ALL are!!!!  That's why I want to come. I want to be able to do something for all of you and be a part of something that makes you happy. You DESERVE it soooooo much!