Tyler gets here today!

Here's a picture of Me, Kayla and Tiffany.

My grandbaby is getting here today. I'm so excited and so nervous all at the same time. I think the nervous really came out in the red, and I do mean red, highlights I put in my hair last night.
I feel so inadequate to tell my daughter just how much I love her and how excited I am for her as she starts this new journey with Army and Tyler. My baby is having a baby - who'da thunk!? When she was little she told me she was never having babies - she was going to adopt. Isn't it a good thing they don't hold us to all that we say when we're young?

I got a new camera!

I mentioned David got me a new camera. I've been experimenting with the settings. Here is what I have so far.

It's been a long while since I updated this...

There are yet again a lot of changes since my last post - some of them good, some not so good - but that's how it goes for everyone right?

School is out and we aren't witnessing the meltdowns anymore with Lyric. Prayer answered! She still gets in trouble every day, but its nothing like it was before. The medicine changes this time get her to where she can choose to behave if she wants. Unfortunately she often does not, but I think a lot of it is how she grew up before she was in my life. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm up to the challenge. I very admittedly fall down (should be too my knees when I'm that mad) and blow up at her. All I can do is apologize and go and do my best from there. Anyways we're working on it and I think I have impressed how important it is to me to get us all back to church. I know he's not going to go back to the church I've gone to for 36 years, but I think he's getting how important going to a church is. I'm really missing my church family where there are people who have known me since I was 2 years old and still love me :o) I want David and Lyric and Kaitlyn, when she graces us with her presence to be a part of a church family with me - I know it won't happen overnight, but I know how important having that personal relationship with God is to your life. I haven't always been great at it, but I always knew it was there and I had a very good foundation from a very young age. I'll just keep praying.

If you remember, I was worried about what we were going to do with Lyric for the summer - well, we have a solution. Tiffany has moved in for the duration of her pregnancy and is usually home with Lyric during the day. Now if Lyric can behave long enough Tiffany will take her to do things. But Tiff's biggest concern is Lyric's lack of concern about following directions and doing what she's told. You just CAN'T count on her to listen to you. She always wants to do what she wants to do and what ever you ask her to do is always optional as far as she seems to be concerned. She could be having a much better summer - but Tiff is unwilling to take the chance. It's sad really because Tiff was ready to come in here and be Lyric's champion and Lyric alienated her within 3 days. What I'm thankful for now, because I look for something to be thankful for in every stress, is that Tiff is here to be with Lyric so she doesn't get into too much trouble and there is always the chance she'll catch her being good and they'll go swimming or something.

Kaitlyn, who moved back with her mom, turned 13, and we've seen her twice now in the weeks since school got out. I'm not sure what to do with all that. This time she came we gave her the birthday presents we'd gotten for her. I'd gotten her a gift card for getting school clothes and a glitter tattoo kit. Lyric and Kaitlyn like to help me do glitter tattoos, but I've found that they do not take care of my things (which is inconvenient because I use that stuff to make money). So, I got Kaitlyn her own kit and I bet she's used half of it already - well, her present and she can use it anyway she likes. Although, I have to admit I thought she knew not to use it inside a house. Grandma's house has never been so shiny! Hopefully she'll realize how important it is to take care of it. She and Lyric do a great job when they help as far as the quality of their work. It always enables me to offer more services.

Kayla moved to her dads, came over to see me supposedly the next weekend and only wanted to be able to see her boyfriend now that he was closer (at least that's how it felt). Then the next weekend was leaving for church camp in NC, wanted me to buy the supplies she still needed, but didn't want to spend time with her mom who is totally not ready for her to want to live somewhere else to begin with and absolutely misses her. That's my perception anyway - and I know how those are. She's supposed to come stay the night tomorrow night. We'll see how that goes. I'm still at that stage where I cry all the time about when she's going leave instead of focusing on the time I have with her. I'm working on it.

I did have the surgery on my hand and while it was more complicated than we anticipated because he had to detach a muscle to get to the bottom of the tumor, and then suture it back, it has outwardly healed very well. The brace I had to wear stinks (especially when I get sweaty in this Florida weather-haha). I'll probably need some physical therapy to get full movement back. I think my dream of someday going to massage therapy school is in the proverbial toilet.

Things are still hard with David. He's made some poor decisions lately in regards to money and mostly behind my back. The things that I thought we'd agreed to work on aren't really and I tell him over and over again that he needs to get me some new wedding rings. I can't wear one now because my hand is too swollen, but the set I loved, inexpensive at $25 (trying to be thrifty) is the set I had gotten after the first hand surgery (because the others didn't fit anymore) had a flaw, was sent back and never seen again. I just want another one. I loved it. I've told David over and over, but he did spend over $100 on a camera for me today. I was thinking that as much fun as I've had with it already- he probably needs to take it back on Monday. We shouldn't have spent the money. We've invited ourselves to a friends house for the 4th and they graciously agreed to cooked, but had to inform us that they didn't have any food to share right then so I want to Sam's and got a bunch of stuff and they'll have leftovers till what they need gets there.

This is a long one. Maybe if I posted more often they would be shorter :o) I did want to mention that Tiffany's belly is starting to grow. I post some pictures tomorrow probably. I don't know if anyone looks at this anyway, but it has been cathartic for me tonight. It's almost 4 am, I think I can go to sleep now. Good night all and God Bless you each and every one.

Here's a beautiful picture that Tiffany took this morning from our beach 15 minutes away.

The only thing constant is change...

Wow. There are a lot of changes happening since my last post.

Lyric, who is now 12, and seems to have added puberty to all her other challenges, has been having almost daily meltdowns. She’s 75% impossible at home and taking it with her to school too. Since her birthday, she’s been to the counselor 3 times, the psychiatrist 3 times, and I talk frequently to the receptionist at the office. They’ve raised one medicine twice and changed another, and she is still so hard to deal with. She was suspended last week for 2 days, and they didn’t even do that until the 3rd referral in 4 days (with a weekend in between). Everyday I find more patience than I ever thought I could ever have. I know there’s not a magic pill – but something to help her make better choices for her behavior would be GREAT! I don’t know what we’re going to do with her this summer. As she is now, there is no way I can enroll her in any summer program – it just wouldn’t be fair to any one else – she would be in constant conflict and miserable and so would the teachers and other kids.

Kaitlyn, who is also 12 right now (she and her sister are 10 ½ months apart – I think they call that Irish twins), has moved back with her mom. She just got back from her trip on Saturday and asked to go to her mom’s that night (she would have went right after I picked her up but her mom wasn’t home). She didn’t tell me about her trip – and I had been the one to make the commitment to get her to Washington DC with her 6th grade class – her mom wouldn’t help her with the fund raiser’s she needed to do – and she didn’t say good-bye. I’ve know she was going to her mom’s for awhile now, but it’s hard not to get a good-bye or a thank you. It was her idea to come to our house because over Christmas her mother never even called for 2 weeks to say hi, and she felt like her mom was always making her do all the chores and taking care of her 2 year old brother, but she’s had enough distance and enough of the rules at our house that mom’s sounds better. She and Lyric rarely get along, and with the challenges right now with Lyric, it’s probably better that we’ll be able to focus on Lyric, but I’m going to miss her. I tried so hard, and I know someday she’ll probably say I wasn’t so bad, but boy, oh boy, being a step mom is hard!

On top of that, my daughter Kayla, who is 16, is going to live with her dad after school gets out. I can hardly stand to think about it. I love her dad and his wife, and we all get along so well and I know I’ll get to see her, but frankly, she doesn’t want to be at home because she can’t get along with Lyric or David. I don’t know what to do most of the time. I can’t make them like each other. Believe me, I’ve tried! She told my mom that 3 months wasn’t enough time away from Lyric so she’s planning on staying the whole next school year too, and maybe even her senior year. I’m not ready to let go yet, and I cry every time I try to talk to her about it, but I can’t make her stay, she’s miserable.

And, even more than that, my daughter Tiffany, who is 21 and pregnant, is moving in at the end of June to save up money for her and her boyfriend to move in together. She’s sick all the time, and probably won’t be able to work much. I’m so worried about her, and especially what effect the chaos in my house could have on her and the baby.

My husband also has ADD and is not taking his medicine and I have trouble getting him to follow through on things. We just had our 1st anniversary and I didn’t even get a card. Not even an eCard. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised though, I didn’t get one for my birthday, Valentine’s day, or Mother’s day either.
My parents, who are my rock, left for their summer trip the day before my anniversary and I miss them terribly, and June 5th I will have the third surgery on my left hand. Luckily, I’m right handed, but geez, I’ve had a hemangioma removed, carpal tunnel surgery, and I’m part of the 20% who with have the hemangioma grow back, lucky me. It hurts all the time so I’m going to get this one removed and hope I don’t ever get one again!

So, all that sounds pretty miserable, and these days, I feel that way most of the time, but I am getting brand new furniture next week so I’m excited about that, but mostly I just go moment by moment. A really great thing is the friends that I have that always listen even though it must seem to them all I do is complain. I’m not the same person right now, but I’m in there – and like I tell myself ALL the time, I am a BLESSED child of God – Even with all the stuff going on, God always provides us with what we need – money, patience, peace. God does not give us more than we can handle.

PS. Leah, I saw my blog on your list and you provided me the impetuous to make this entry. Thanks :o) I visit your blog every day too to see how you and your family are doing.

Henna for Missy

My friend Missy did a dance at the Hip Impressions performance presented by the American Belly Dance group. The night before, I did henna on her hands for her to have during that performance. Here's pictures.

Look what I did Mom! Henna (and other art)

I mention in the profile that I'm a henna artist. I also do a little face painting and glitter tattoos and painting. I've always considered myself artsy-fartsy. I sit at a desk all day at my real job and I love my job, but then I go home and face the usual chaos. I love it when I get an opportunity to do henna or anything else artsy. I'm going to post some pictures of things I've done.

I'm going to be a grandma!? What?!

That's right. My beautiful daughter Tiffany is having a baby. I'm too young to be a grandma – but, I guess I have to face it – this is soooo not about me. I never thought I'd be a grandma before 40, but as usual it's not about what I have planned for me. God has a plan. I'm sure of it – mine is not to question why.

It's funny all the things that have run through my head since she told me on Sunday. The cool thing is she told me even before she told her boyfriend Army. She also said she wasn't nervous to tell me at all. That makes me feel great!

I've been trying to think of what the baby will call me – oh so long in the future – and I was leaning towards Nana because it doesn't sound as "old" to me, but Tiffany said she had been thinking of Mimi. I like that even better, but I am getting ahead of myself.

Here's a few pictures of Tiffany with her boyfriend Army. They look so cute together – I'm going to have a beautiful grandbaby!

I found it! (The RIGHT gym)

As I left the other gym, in tears for some reason, I called my friend Heather and after listening to me cry she encouraged me to keep looking for another gym. (She always encourages me) When I went to Curves a membership was part of my salary, at the big gym it was only $10 a month, but not what I needed and the one I walked away from (not going to mention names unless someone asks) was going to be $34 a month if I signed a year contract.

I'd been driving by a gym for months that's just outside of my apartment complex. It recently changed to a women's gym and was only $19 per month. I went in and the girl could tell I'd been crying. She asked me what was wrong and the water works started again (poor girl). I told her what was going on and she spent 1 ½ hours talking with me and was a great inspiration to me. I went back the next Monday to try out a class – Zumba! I'd been wanting to try that and I loved it, but I only made it through 15 minutes and I hurt so bad I couldn't stand it anymore. I was even more out of shape than I realized. I went out to my car, got my wallet and signed up. The people where just as nice as Brenna (the girl from Saturday) has said and I knew that's where I want to get back on the wagon and lose this weight! I may even be able to talk my daughter Kayla into joining with me – I'm working on it.

What I need from a gym (so I'll actually go!)

So, what I've found out is that even when you're "finally" ready to work out, you still need the right gym.

At the beginning of 2005, I realized that I needed to get healthy and lose some weight. I was up to 273, had high cholesterol, and I had my PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) under control. My dad's mom, who I've been told I resemble, had died at 41 from a heart attack when my dad was 17. I certainly didn't want to do that to my kids, so I joined Curves and started WeightWatchers. I did really well and was able to stay focused and even attempted a few 5Ks (okay, maybe 2). I lost 55 lbs and felt better than I had in a very long time.

Then I met my husband, wanted to be with him instead of exercising, started eating junk again, got married, found out I have a very underactive thyroid and gained all but 5 lbs back.

Fast forward to feeling huge and loss of self confidence and New Years 2008 – I resolved to get back on track. That was easier said than done. My husband doesn't have to worry about his weight (although that's mostly because he will go all day and forget to eat – how do you FORGET to eat - and he obviously has held on to his metabolism as he's gotten older. In January a very big and inexpensive gym open very near my house. My parent's got Kayla and me gift certificates to join. Kayla is my biggest supporter at home – always questioning my food choices. Anyway, David, Tiffany, Kayla and I joined this very big gym. Tiffany never did go, not even once, Kayla went once with me, I managed 4 times I think and David has gone a few. What I ultimately realized was that I was not comfortable working out with men around (except David) and it was too impersonal for me.

When I was losing weight and going to Curves I ended up working there. I worked there for almost 2 years and loved it. I love encouraging the women there and became very attached to them. It was my second job and I eventually had to give it up, but it was great fun while it lasted – knowing everyone's name and their stories and helping them reach their goals. I think that kind of feeling – like someone is glad you're there and you're making the effort – that was one of the feelings I was looking for. I've found I'm much more willing to let myself down than I am someone I feel accountable to – that's going to notice when I'm not there.

So, since I wasn't going to the big impersonal gym and my old Curves is too far away, I decided to try another gym. At work they have a corporate discount page on their website. Lo and behold, there was an advertisement for a gym I hadn't heard of. The website looked great, I sent an email for someone to contact me, and ended up going last Friday night to learn how to do the machines and generally about the gym. That part was ok, I still had some reservations – the girl I spoke with was pretty upfront about it not going to be as social as Curves – and that's another thing I wanted, but I was willing to give it a try. I was concerned that the whole time I was there only one other person came in. But I'm ready to do something, so I thought here goes. I went the next morning after Lyric & Kaitlyn went to their Grandma's house (their mom's mom), and the girl working at the gym was there by herself, no member's were working out and she paid attention when I first came in the door and when I asked her to put some "more upbeat" music on (Roy Orbison was playing), but she never once even looked at me again that I saw and the games she was playing on the computer at the front desk were louder than the music that was playing for me to work out to. I tried it, I really did, but I just got so angry – I just walked out without saying a word. My mother taught me that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. She probably didn't notice anyway. I just felt like, since she knew it was my first time, she should have been paying attention to whether I was using the machines correctly – or asking if I had any questions. I was having a little trouble. I know I should have asked – but the point was that nothing was showing me that this was the gym for me. Back to the drawing board!

Being a step mom is harder than I thought it'd be

First a little background, my daughter Kaitlyn has the opportunity to go to Washington DC with her 6th grade class. Until recently she thought she wasn't going to be able to go. There were some requirements that she had been unable to meet and we hadn't known anything about them. During Christmas break from school she came to live with us and after a conference at her school David and I learned more about the trip and I emailed the teacher later to ask about it. The kids who had "chosen" not to go to DC were going to Animal Kingdom at Disney World. Since we hadn't known anything about any of it, I wanted to find out how much it was going to cost and what the requirements were and all that stuff. The teacher told me that since Kaitlyn's circumstances had changed that she might be able to make it so she could go on the DC trip. Well, Kaitlyn had been insisting that she didn't want to go, but I thought it might be a brave face because she thought she couldn't, so I asked about that. I told the teacher that if Kaitlyn really wanted to go that I would make sure it happened. There were fund raising requirements and, in total, the trip was going to cost about $525. She had about $70 from the fund raising she had been able to do, so that was a pretty big commitment.



It turned out that Kaitlyn did want to go, so I got to it. I accepted the M&M's that she hadn't been able to sell before and brought those to work. I am a henna artist and there was a local IndiaFest and I pledged my earnings to her trip. I also do face painting and glitter tattoos. I have a birthday party gig coming up and I've pledged the money from that as well. My parents are helping and Kaitlyn's mom's parents have said they'll help some, and between all that we're pretty close to meeting the goal. We have one more fundraiser at her school at the end of March as well. I've done henna there every year for a few years as it is, but now I actually have a daughter there so it's going to be even more gratifying.

Anyway, turns out Kaitlyn's "teenager-ness" has been showing at school and her trip is in jeopardy. I'm frustrated to say the least. How can she be doing this when I've been working so hard for something I thought she wanted to do. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

And, all of that doesn't even include the challenges that occur almost daily with Lyric. I love them both, A LOT, but I thank God for my parents who have them spend the night every Tuesday when they're in town. A little distance makes a big difference in how easy it is to have patience. As the step mom there is only so much I can do.

I don't even know where to begin...

I've been so impressed by the blogs I've read before now. I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start at the beginning. My name is Kelley. I'm 38, and I've lived in my home town my whole life. I have 2 daughters. Tiffany is 21, out on her own and finally one of my best friends (I knew it would happen someday). Kayla is 16 and also one of my favorite people and that doesn't even take into consideration that she's my daughter.

Tiffany (left) & Kayla (right)

I had pretty resigned myself to growing old by myself. I hadn't had a really serious relationship for over 10 years before I met David. We met when he was the security guard where I lived and I walked out my door calling my cell phone because I had lost it. He was walking by and asked if the thing under my car that was buzzing and blinking was what I was looking for. We talked for 6 months before we finally went on a date. I had noticed him before the chance encounter though. I had seen him walking around doing his security thing and noticed he had a cute behind. (He hates it when I tell that story.) Finally, we went to the park with his kids, and the rest is, as they say, history. So, now I have 2 new daughters and boy are they a challenge. It would take too long to give all the history, but I figure I can always start from here and go on :o)